even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I need a beard to bite.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
