Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Come on in and take your pants off
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