Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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