It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
