did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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