He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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