He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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