Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize