i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Randomize
