I checked into jail on foursquare
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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