we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
