my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize