Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
