Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
