Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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