I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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