Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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