dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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