I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
