Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize