my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
