Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
