when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
