I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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