If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
