So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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