He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
