Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Why are your pants in the freezer?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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