when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize