Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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