Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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