everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize