I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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