Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
