If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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