I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
