apparently the secret to your success is patron
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
