im six kinds of drunk right now
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
