his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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