I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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