im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
