I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
