beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
