dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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