I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
