Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
