i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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