after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
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