it was like his penis was on wheels.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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