why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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