She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
