Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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