i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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