Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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