I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
