I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
