We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
He has the fingertips of a God
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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