Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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