ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Randomize
