I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
